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24 . DEPRESSED OPTIMIST . MALE >>> use the roman numerals to access my 'archive', questions, and the 'about' section MORE

TESTING POSITIVE FOR INEVITABLE SOLITUDE

I OFTEN HAVE TO ASK MYSELF IF I’M A MINORITY WITHIN A MINORITY WITHIN A MINORITY. TO BE SO RARE IS TO BE ALONE IN THOUGHT AND SOMETIMES IN REALITY. IT CAN BE GREAT BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I AM TRULY UNIQUE, BUT MOSTLY THERE IS NO SATISFACTION IN FEELING UNCOMMON WHEN INSTEAD I COULD BELONG TO SOMEONE. CERTAIN QUALITIES ASSOCIATED TO BEING A HOMOSEXUAL (AT THE VERY LEAST, A HOMOSEXUAL MAN) DENOTES THE URGE TO SUCCUMB TO REGULARITY. IT PROMOTES THE NOTION THAT WE ARE BETTER THAN OTHER CULTURAL GROUPS, BETTER THAN A PREVIOUSLY OPPRESSED GENERATION, AND EVEN BETTER THAN THOSE WITHIN THIS “COMMUNITY”. IT SEEMS TO DENY OUR HUMANITY. THEREFORE, WE CAN FEEL LONESOME AT THE TOP WHERE THERE’S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE.

A GUY I KNEW ONCE CALLED ME THEIR “SOURCE OF FANTASY”. I NO LONGER TALK TO HIM, BUT THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT. THE POINT IS THAT THERE ARE THESE IDEAS THAT ARE BEING TRANSMITTED THROUGH MEDIA OUTLETS ON A GLOBAL SCALE AND THE CONCRETE EXAMPLES ASSOCIATED WITH THEM ARE PROBABLY LEAVING GAYS EVERYWHERE ALONE AND VERY UNSATISFIED. SO, HERE ARE SOME OF THEM THAT APPLY TO ME WHILE TRANSLATING THOSE “FANTASIES” INTO TRUTH.

MYTH: IF I’M BLACK, I MUST BE AGGRESSIVE AND HAVE TO PLAY THE ROLE OF A DOMINANT ENTITY IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE I CAN THRUST MY LONG, THICK COCK UP A TIGHT HOLE. ALSO, I MAY BE A HOMOPHOBE (ISN’T IT FUNNY HOW WE LOVE TO NAME THINGS, BUT HATE IT WHEN OTHERS CLASSIFY US?)

TRUTH: I IDENTIFY MYSELF AS A HUMAN BEING WHO CAN SOMETIMES BE PASSIVE OR AGGRESSIVE IN ANY RELATIONSHIP. THERE REALLY IS NOT MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND THE NEXT MAN EXCEPT THE TONE OF OUR SKIN OR INTANGIBLE TRAITS SUCH AS NATIONALITY. READY FOR THE PUNCHLINE? I’M AVERAGE-SIZED.

MYTH: CHRISTIANITY AND HOMOSEXUALITY CAN NEVER ACTUALLY CO-EXIST.

TRUTH: WHILE ON MY WAY TO SCHOOL I FOUND MYSELF LITERALLY WALKING IN BETWEEN A CONFRONTATION BETWEEN A GAY SUPPORTER AND A MAN PREACHING NEAR THE METRO STATION WITH A COPY OF HIS BIBLE HELD UP HIGH. I WANTED TO STOP AND SAY SOMETHING TO BOTH SIDES, BUT I FELT UNPREPARED. HOWEVER, I RECOGNIZED MY ABILITY TO HOLD TRUE TO TWO DIFFERING BELIEFS DESPITE THEIR ESTRANGED RELATIONSHIP. GOD MUST’VE SENT DOWN HIS MESSAGE TO ME IN THE FORM OF SOME SORT OF PHYSICAL METAPHOR FOR LIFE. LESSONS WERE LEARNED THAT DAY AND I AM NOW AT PEACE WITH BOTH OF MY SELVES.

MYTH: LOVE IS LOVE

TRUTH: IN A MAINSTREAM GROUP SUCH AS THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY, SOCIETY IS TAUGHT THAT WE AS HUMANS CAN BE GIVEN A FUNDAMENTAL RIGHT TO LOVE WHOEVER WE WANT IN ANY FORM OF IT. IT’S TOO BAD THAT WE CATEGORIZE OURSELVES IN EVEN MORE MUNDANE WAYS IN ORDER TO LOVE…OR LUST. WHILE I PERSONALLY LOVE REFERRING TO MYSELF AS A HAIRY MUSCLE CUB, IT MAY NOT HELP ME CONNECT WITH ANYONE SIGNIFICANT IN MY LIFE. THIS MEANS THAT I CAN’T EVEN ENRICH THE LIFE OF ANOTHER PERSON BECAUSE WE MIGHT BE NOTHING ALIKE, INTERNALLY. AT LEAST WE’LL BE SIMILAR IN HEIGHT, SKINTONE, AND PHYSIQUE. LIMITATIONS OF WHO WE CAN LOVE ARE REACHED. THANKS LGBTQ!

MYTH: NO H8

TRUTH: FLIPPING THE BIRD TO INDIVIDUALS WHO PREACH THAT YOUR WAYS WILL LEAD YOU TO DAMNATION. IF YOU REALLY WANNA PREACH LOVE, FIGHT FIRE WITH A HUG INSTEAD OF A SOLID “FUCK YOU” TO THE WORLD.

I GENUINELY FEEL ALONE AND INADEQUATE OF ANYONE’S TIME, BUT THE WORST PART IS THAT I AM SOMETIMES AN INSTIGATOR GIVING STRENGTH TO THESE IDEAS. FOR THAT REASON, I GUESS I AM THE CAUSE OF MY EMOTIONAL DOWNFALL, BUT I WOULDN’T CHANGE MY SKIN COLOR, BELIEFS, AND SEXUAL PREFERENCE JUST TO FEEL ACCEPTED BY EVERYONE ELSES HIGH STANDARDS. THEY’LL JUST HAVE TO LOVE ME AS I AM.

FEEL FREE TO DISCUSS THIS POST WITH ME AS I THINK IT’LL BE SOMETHING WORTH BUILDING ON AND CORRECTING.

I rarely take selfies, but the beard was looking mighty fine that day.
MIGUEL SANTOS
THE BEAUTIFUL ARCHITECTURE ATTACHED TO MY UNIVERSITY’S AWFUL LIBRARY.

FROM ÉREMOS TO EROS - FROM LONELINESS TO LOVE

HI THERE! YOU MUST BE READING THIS BECAUSE THE TITLE HELD SOME SORT OF SIGNIFICANCE IN YOUR CURRENT LIFE SITUATION. IF THIS IS TRUE, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT YOU ARE NEVER REALLY ALONE. YOU DONT DESERVE TO BE ALONE. SOME BLEAK SOUL IN THIS VAST FIELD OF HUMANITY IS BUSY YEARNING FOR THE EXACT SAME THINGS THAT YOU YEARN FOR, BUT THE CONNECTION HASN’T BEEN ESTABLISHED YET. IT SEEMS THAT ALL YOU NEED ARE THE REASSURING HANDS OF THE LIVING TO GUIDE YOU THROUGH THIS SOLITARY PATH.

ON THAT SAME NOTE, STOP WASTING AWAY AT THE THOUGHT THAT SOMEONE MAY NEVER FIND YOU. GET UP AND GO OUT IN SEARCH OF WHAT/WHO IT IS YOU’RE LOOKING FOR OR SIMPLY GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE WHILE THEY SEARCH ON FOR YOU. DON’T CLOSE THE DOORS OF OPPORTUNITY WHEN THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE HAD. THE PLEASANT SURPRISE BEHIND THEM ARE BETTER THAN IF THEY WERE FILLED WITH EMPTY AIR AND EVEN REGRET.

ON A SUNNY DAY, GO OUT AND STAND ON THE SIDEWALK. LOOK DOWN AT THE SILHOUETTE OF YOUR SHADOW AND RECOGNIZE ITS SINGULARITY IN THE MIDST OF SO MUCH LIGHT. REALIZE THAT IT IS THE PERFECT PIECE THAT MUST CONNECT WITH ANOTHER SHADOW, THUS CREATING THE PORTRAIT OF A LIFE YOU ONCE THOUGHT WAS JUST AN ILLUSION.

FINALLY, FIND CLARITY IN LOVING YOURSELF BEFORE YOU LOVE ANOTHER. FIND GOODNESS IN WHAT YOU SAY, THINK, AND DO. DOESN’T IT MAKE SENSE TO PRACTICE THE THINGS THAT WILL REFLECT WHO YOU ARE? IF YOU FIND GOODNESS IN BEING ALONE, ALONE WILL BE YOUR ETERNAL COMPANION.

:3
LOVE IS COLORBLIND TOO.